Executives from the United States’ largest toilet paper manufacturers held an emergency meeting on Thursday, following President Trump’s endorsement of Ex-Lax as a remedy for COVID-19. Said Trump in a virtual pep rally earlier that day, “This Coronavirus thing—it’s simple. We’ll just have ‘em shit it out…The scientists don’t believe me, but do you know what I say to them: ‘Wanna bet?’ [Over their screens, supporters erupted with laughter and applause.]…No one shits like me. No one takes pills like me. My doctors always say that I am in such great health…”
“Just pop a couple of those bad boys into your mouth—the chocolate-flavored ones are my favorite—and: Presto! Goodbye, Coronavirus.” After this, he remarked, “It’s so simple! We’ll have this thing done before no time. And, thanks to me, with better toilets, you won’t have to flush one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN times. No more TEN times, people. Just O-N-C-E,” he exclaimed in dramatic fashion.
Earlier I spoke with Dan Goodwin, CEO of Charmin, and he expressed great concern and doubt regarding Trump’s recommendations. “There isn’t any evidence that this will work. None at all. Plus, Americans just don’t have enough toilet paper!” Manufacturers have begun to ramp up toilet paper production, but it still seems unlikely that there will be enough to meet increased need.
On a last-ditch effort, Kim Ford, CEO of Contonelle, called executives for Ex-Lax, pleading that they avoid dramatically increasing production per President Trump’s endorsement. However, Ex-Lax executives could not be reached.
For now, toilet manufacturers will maximize production, as they examine the viability and suitability of a single-plied product.
Author’s Note: This is a work of satire. These events did not occur, though eerily, they feel as though they could. Cover photo courtesy of NBC News.